Bittersweet....

Hello My dearest mom....you know how much I miss you. Tomorrow Dad is leaving to head to Chicago, and while I know it's best, we'll miss him. His presence has been amazing these past few months, and I think we've helped each other in our grief. I love having him here, and I think he's gotten past my messiness :) He's been my helper, as he was yours, and I think we've both won with him being here. It keeps him busy, and it keeps my house clean :) And it's allowed him to spend time with Charlie & Madeline, as you told him to do. I've worked extra shifts and have gotten to be in a better financial state which has helped so much. i have enjoyed his comapny at night...even if we don't talk, but just knowing I have someone here is so nice.
This seems so backwards to me in some ways...I seemed to be doing so well before he got here, and I would chat everyday on our blog. But as he was here longer, I realized so many things, Mom. I figured out I needed God more in my life, and realized that while I thought I was grieving, I wasn't. I have continued going to classes, and church and it has been amazing! I have learned so much, and made so many changes for the kids and I. We attend church regularly, and the kids got a Bible from the Easter Bunny, so we read it every night before bed. I've recommitted to Christ, and feel so good about where the Lord has taken us in the path of healing, Mom.
Easter was perfect...Mary was here and we colored eggs with the kids. We went to Carol's and celebrated with everyone. How awesome is family on holidays...we all had an amazing weekend!
Mother's Day is Sunday and I will be with the kids. I am already thinking of you, but I do everyday, Mom. My heart hurts and I miss you so much. I wish I was half the mother you were to us, and I wish I could hear your voice again today. I love you, and wish for a happy dream with you, Mom!!

Missing you...

Hi Mom- I know it's been a while since I've posted...it's been hard without you here. I've had a difficult time lately, and I miss you so much. I don't think I'll ever stop missing you so much and it hurts. I've started going to a grief support group and it's helped me in so many ways....I know you can see it. It has helped me deal with everything rather than push it aside, and I realized I can't do it on my own anymore. It's once a week and the people there have all gone through a loss so they know what I'm experiencing. It makes me feel so much better when I leave so I've made it a priority every week to go. It's at a church, and some work friends belong to the church so the kids and I went last weekend. They loved it and I did too! I think it'll be the church we attend regularly, and I'm excited about it! Everyone there has been so friendly and helpful....I really feel good about what lies ahead for us there :) I got some great news a few weeks ago...I GOT IN TO GRAD SCHOOL! I know you would be so excited to know that, and I know what you'd say...'I told you Kathleen Marie! I knew you'd get in!' I really wish I could hear you say it but I know you're just as happy as I am! I need something positive to look forward to and focus on. I will see where it takes me, but I think I'd like to focus on pulmoary medicine in your honor. I promise to make you proud...I'll be a doctor of nurse practioner when I'm done!!! You can tell all your friends your daughter is a doctor! :) It's SO wonderful having Dad here...I don't want him to leave us :( I know he'll be back in the fall, but I appreciate his presence so much. Not to mention he's SO helpful! I tell people he's the husband I never had...but he's my dad. The kids ADORE him and love every minute with him. And I love having someone to talk to when I come home. I think he likes being here too...he stays busy! The kids and I keep him on his toes! He cooks, he put up wall decorations for me, he drives the kids to school if I'm working....he's amazing! I know why you loved him as much as you did....and I love him even more (if that's even possible!) for the wonderful husband he was to you, and the wonderful dad & papa he is to me, Charlie & Madeline. Maria & Rachel came to visit and it was the best visit I've had in a while! It was so great to see them, and I got to see Kymm more too. We went to a spring training game (SOX vs CUBS) and laid out by the pool. We laughed alot, I cried alot. They all were wonderful and supportive....thank God for dear, old friendships! It was a great weekend!! Dad visited Mary that weekend, and is going again this weekend. He's planning on seeing Peter too. It's so good for him to be close to both of us, and he got to see Michael on his way out here too! I know Mary is coming to visit for Easter, and I will have the kids so it'll be a great Easter weekend! We got to visit Aunt Kathy & Uncle Rick while they were visiting Nancy & Dave in Prescott a few weeks ago. It was a fun afternoon-Nancy & Dave have an awesome house! And I had such a great time with Aunt Kathy and Uncle Rick....I sure do miss my family. I love visits and hope we can make it to Chicago this summer to see everyone. Work is good...have learned so much and am looking forward to learning more. It's been busy so I've been able to work overtime recently which is always nice. Easter isn't as expensive as Christmas but I'd still like it to be awesome for the kids so I'm trying to work as much as possible to make that happen :) Jimmy & Amy had a little boy who is as sweet as can be...Oliver James! He's adorable and we can't wait to meet him! I absolutely LOVE his name...and he weighed the exact same as Charlie did! If that is a sign of anything, they'll have their hands full!! Sarah is pregnant! How wonderful is that? I'm so excited for her, Alex, & Max! I can't wait to meet their new bundle of joy! Christy & Frank had their 3rd son...Michael Stephen. Another beautiful baby boy for them :) Lots of positive things going on recently....God's work is amazing, huh? I had a patient come your way on the kids birthday, Mom. I know you welcomed her into paradise, and I hope you are friends. She is an amazing, beautiful woman just like you (and she liked wine!) so I can just imagine you became fast friends! I'll see her family at her service this week, and I hope I'll hold up ok. The kids party went off without a hitch and they had a fabulous time...they got a TON of stuff! Everyone was so generous and they are still infatuated with all their new toys! We missed you so much this year, Mom... I talk to you everyday, and think of you all the time. On my way home from work I don't call anyone because that was our time to talk. I find myself crying more now than before, and I don't know why that is...maybe because it's setting in that I don't have you to call anymore. Maybe I'm starting to feel that you're not here and I dont like it, not at all. I miss you so much it hurts my soul and when I need you here I feel so alone. This sucks and I hate it, but I know it will get better. I know you are so happy and that helps me get through this. I just miss you so very very much. I can't wait for the day we meet again and I can hug you and we can rejoice in all God's glory in Heaven! I love you, MOM! Thinking of you, loving you, and missing you...see you in my dreams! xoxo, katy

Sorry!

Hi Mom! Wow- it's been crazy here these past few weeks!
Maddie was SO sick, I was in the pediatricians office twice with her! Firsst time was negative strep and possible pneumonia-we were up all nigt for 3 nights. I was beat! she was throwing up, febrile, so uncomfortable. Thank God I am a nurse! I put her in th bath a few times because she was so hot...poor baby was miserable. and we were doing nebulizer treatments every 2-4 hrs because she kept coughing...it was a mess! i called in to work because she was so sick and needed to go back to the MD (Mark was unable to take time off) and while we were there her strep was positive! Halllejulia! We got meds and I went back to work on Saturday. Sunday night after work Charlie came down with it so I waited till Tuesday and his was positive when I brough him in so I got meds for him too. It was the most tiring week and a half since they were born. But they are feeling well now so we're happy!
I miss you so much Mom, and these past weeks I have wanted you so much. I miss you!
I talked to Mark about support/time and we are no longer on good terms. He didn't like my proposal about child suppost even though I had them more than he did, so we are strictly back to our old agreement. I felt as if he was wanting me to be his babysitter and didn't think it was fair. When I talked to him about it he got angry so we are no longer on good terms (as if you didn't see that coming). He has a new girlfriend, and has introduced her to the kids after dating for 6 weeks. And she has a son that has also met the kids too. Mom, I can't deal with this right now. It's killing me...I can't wrap my head around them being with another woman/family....not now. I told him we would have our own parties instead od throwing the together. This is their first birthday without you here...I can't deal with another woman when I don't have you here to celebrate with us. I don't know what the right thing to do is, but I am trying to be the best .mother I can be and provide stability for them. I love them so much it makes my heart ache.
Jimmy had a beautiful little boy...Oliver James! He is adorable and weighed almost as much as Charlie...God help them if he's anything like him, right? (But he'll have a grandmother who adores him like you did!)
And Michelle had a little girl too-Macie Lynn...she's beautiful! The new lives that are being born into our family our amazing mom!
Dad spent the weekend with Michael and will be here on Tuesday!!! The kids and I are so excited!! We can't wait for him and Kelsey to be with us! :) They keep asking if you're coming....I tell them you're always here, but with Baby Jesus all the time.
I spent your birthday with Mary and we had an amazing time celebrating you, Mom. I saw Nikki, and Sarah too-they say hello and happy birthday! I know you clebrated with our families and had an amzaing day-I can't imagine hpw wonderful it was for you!
I know you have met my patients-Doug H.- and hope you are learning alot about each other-he is amazing, and I told him you'd be there for him!
I'm missing you more and more as time goes on, Mom. My heart aches and is sad more than it is happy without you. I know you are with me, I've seen you and felt you with me. Maxine's family thanked me for being her nurse, and when I opened the gift and saw the angel, I know you were there. I just want to hear your voice, and hug you. I have a never ending ache in my heart for you, Mom. I love you so very much and miss you more than you will ever know. I'm looking forward to seeing you around me...I LOVE YOU!!!!!! XOXO Katy

I hate having sick kids!

Hi Mom-
GRRRRR! Maddie is sick AGAIN! I just finished giving her another neb treatment tonight because she woke up coughing so hard she threw up! She started with a temp last noc of 102 and it has been consistently 100-102 today despite meds. I have given her treatments q4h as ordered and given her tylenol and ibuprofen. I'm taking her in tomorrow because I'm afraid she has strep (her throat hurts) and she's had it twice in the last few months. At least this happens when she's with me so I can monitor her closely and do what I need to do. Charlie seems ok so far...and I didn't want him to miss his Valentine's Day party so Mark watched Maddie while I took him to school and picked him up. He had so much fun and was so excited about his Valentine box! We brought Maddie's too so she got to open hers when we got home after school :) Tomorrow is reptile guy day so I'm hoping I can schedule her appt around that so he can go to it. And Thursday is school pictures so I hope that she's well enough to go. And she got invited to a classmate's birthday party at Chuck E. Cheese afterwards but I'm not sure she'll be able to go :( Please keep an eye out for them both that they get/stay healthy! I'll let you know what happens tomorrow....love you Mom! xoxo Katy

Tired from work but happy :)

Hi Mom!
Hope you had a great day today....thought about you often and know you were with me as you are everyday :)
Had a decent week despite plans getting canceled with the girls but I know there will be more times to get together. Work is going well-I love the people I work with and they keep me laughing every minute I'm there! I'm so happy to be back at Mayo...a wonderful group of nurses and doctors who love what they do and are happy doing it-can't ask for more than that, right? I'm taking a class next month on balloon pumps so I can take those patients, and I have one more heart to recover than I can take them all on my own! Finally! We had some crazy situations but the teamwork is amazing and the patients get the best care. It's great working for Mayo! I'm so glad to be back there! JCAHO was there this week-you know how stressful that can be! They almost called me back in front of the firing squad about my patient but they didn't end up taking me due to some sudden changes...I think you had something to do with that! Needless to say all went well and they left Friday. Phew!
I had another date this week and it went well...give me some signs if you have any input!! :)
Charlie and Madeline had to make valentine boxes for school so we did that and they came out so cute! Maddie's hair turned out so cute too! She loved it! She kept telling me how her teachers loved it!! We'll be doing the rollers again soon!! They have school pictures on the 17th so we'll see how they do...I'll order them regardless since it's their first school pictures. I can't believe they're going to be 4 next month!!! I can remember the day they were born like it was yesterday....
We are already registering them for school for next year, and then it's kindergarten!! It really goes by so fast!!!
I'm planning to visit Mary for your birthday and am really looking forward to spending some time with her. I think I'll see Nikki and her boys too so it'll be a good weekend!!
Dad is doing well and visiting with Aunt Kathy and Uncle Rick , and Uncle Jim and Aunt Marilyn every week. He watches Vincent and Ella on Mondays so he's getting to see them on a regular basis now. I know he loves every minute of it!
Dad's planning on coming out for the kids birthday and staying until May which will be great! The kids are looking forward to seeing him and I'll be excited to have company too. Maria and Rachel will be visiting and while they're here we're going to the Cubs vs Sox spring training game which will be fun-I got Dad a ticket to go too and he'll be the Dad of the group-there's 19 other nurses going so it will be a BLAST!
I know you've seen all that's transpired since you've left, and I know you're heart is filled with joy....We are happy too, Mom! I know you're still here and are loving every minute of it! It's all because we love you so much :)
I hope we make it to church tomorrow but I'm feeling like I'm getting the kids cold thingy. So we'll see. You know I'll pray for you feel you there beside me. I love you and miss you so much. I'm going to watch the video before I go to bed and hopefully see you in my dreams. I love you and miss you terribly....xoxo Katy

You're going to have a new friend

Hi Mom-
How was your day? I hope you had fun spending it with all our family and friends....you should have nothing but happiness now!
Work was ok...as you saw I had a patient who was contemplating hospice, and I figure he'll probably meet you soon. He is wonderful...and I know you'll welcome him with open arms. I adored his familyy because they reminded me so much of ours. His kids flew in today from out of state...i felt like I was back in Chicago 6 weeks ago. It broke my heart because Iknew exactly what they were feeling...and it totally sucks. I tried my best to make him feel better-hell, if I was dying I would hope my nurse would too! The only difference between him and you was he had some time to know he was leaving. You did, but you were half way there when I got there. But You knew I was there because you acknowledged me, and told me you loved me. I bought him his favorite candy in the gift shop, all he wanted was lemonheads. I made sure I got the last 4 boxes. I talked to his mother about how great Pixies were and how I could eat a whole box. He had 3 kids..beautiful kids who flew in from out of town. I thought about how we flew in to se you. And I knew how they felt. I wrote him a letter Mom, and I wanted to say how you'd meet him at the gate and tell him everything would be ok. but I couldn't...i just told him that I knew whathe was feeling and that the book '90 minutes in Heaven' made me feel so much better. I wanted to tell him to look for a beautiful woman named Peg and that she'd show him the ropes...Mom, please take him under your wing and welcome him to paradise. He is a wonderful man, and I had a great day with his family.
I love you, and hope to see you soon...
xoxokaty

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